Not the Same River, Not the Same Woman

Setting goals that you’ve already set before can feel self-defeating.

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

-Heraclitus

Setting goals that you’ve already set before can feel self-defeating. It’s like that feeling of a broken record playing in your mind. You tell yourself similar things while your cynical side fueled by fear just sort of folds her arms and humors your attempt to try again.

But this time will be different. This time is for real. This time I am serious, and so on. So the game keeps being played in our heads and we let the fear and the self-doubt win because that is the easier thing to do. But the important thing, the big thing, the enormous thing is that it’s not the same and you’re not the same this time. It feels similar, but it can’t be the same, because so much has happened since the last time that has changed you, for better or worse.

It doesn’t matter what the goal is whether it’s to give up a bad habit, lose weight, get a better job, save more money, be a better parent or whatever it may be right now. The dragon is just a myth and when you get to the battle this time will be different because you’ve learned its tricks, you know its weaknesses and yours. You now carry a sword and armor and the courage to tame the beast and send it on its way.

I wonder why I fear change and why trying again feels so hard. Then, I remember the ultimate truth for me and that is that not trying is the worst possible choice. I won’t give up even if I feel like Sisyphus, condemned to roll the boulder up the hill only to watch it roll back down again. I am going to get that boulder over the top this time and see what is on the other side.

I am not the same woman who stepped into this river and I intend to prove that this time because this time is different.

Better, not perfect

I have been thinking a lot about my New Year’s resolutions and reflecting on the years past like we all do this time of year. My goal this year is to do better overall. I am not going to overhaul my whole life and go crazy with trying to obtain perfection or absolute anything. I’m not going to give anything up or do everything all the way. I think we beat ourselves up trying to go green, be Paleo, join the cross fitters club, give up meat, quit sugar and so on until we forget what it is that we are “allowed”  to do.

So, here’s my take. Just do better. Every time I do better, I feel better. Yesterday I brought in my reusable grocery bags at the store and I felt better not using the plastic. I’m not going to say from now on this is all I do and when I don’t I shall mentally beat myself for forgetting. I walked around the block a few times after dinner the other night and I felt better. I drank less than I wanted to so that today I could feel better. I took my make-up off before bed and my skin looks better today. I cleaned my room and put away my laundry so that my room looks better.

When I hit the drive thru for fast food, I didn’t order fries with that and that’s better. Sure I know best would be not to drive thru, but it was better. I stretched and did 5 minutes of yoga, an hour a day would be best, but I did better. I put my phone away for an hour. I also set it on Do Not Disturb, from 10 pm to 6 am, I still check it sometimes but it’s better.

I spent time editing a few pictures and finding the perfect quote to place on them. I don’t know what I am going to do with them, but it’s art and I feel better after doing it. I started this blog and that’s better too.